Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Wait, Lady Gaga Isn't A X-Men?



Wait, so Lady Gaga isn’t a comic book character? Dang. Who knew…What? No I heard her name all over the place and I knew all kinds of girls and gay dudes were into her, but I thought she was a fictional member of the X-men or something. Like “Electrica.” Huh? Oh, sorrrrr-yyyy. “Electra.”…of course I know “Electronic–Electra,’s” not part of the X-men. You need to relax brother, I’m not talking about your birth mother here. I thought America was still a free country, but I guess you can’t not pay attention to some pop star and then accidentally mistake her for not a real person without the question police kicking in your door in the middle of the night. Look I got things to do on my own. Hassles that I deal with–and the last thing I need is you coming down on me in defense of some person that you’ll never meet. Do you have any idea how rich that woman is? Here’s a hint, she could buy us both as man slaves if she wanted to. No, I don’t think there’s a “very good chance” of that happening! Well yes, I do suppose in a “futuristic totalitarian wasteland,” where Lady Gaga and “other celebrities” survive devastating world war in a “rich person’s only” underground city, then return to the surface to “conquer and enslave us regular Joes” with “hyper-advanced mind-weapons” there’s a chance of that happening. Well look, I would love to continue this Spanish Inquisition reenactment, but I got better things to do all day then memorize trivia about Lady Gaga. Yeesh.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

The Hunt


The Hunt
Jeremiah’s leg hurt. It was hot and he had been running for hours. He wasn’t running anywhere in particular. He just had to keep moving. The old man on the property would find him otherwise. If he stayed in one place too long, he was a goner. Like the others. His foot caught on an outcropped root sending his mangled figure to the dirt with a thud. Off in the distance, birds sounded. The old man was near. He had to keep moving. Just then a tiger roared and it was dangerously close to his face. Its eyes charged bright with yellow fire. It wrinkled its nose beneath a shrewd, predator’s gaze. Jeremiah held contact while slowly moving his hand toward the carved up, pointed stick in his waistband. The tiger growled lowly and flexed its shoulder muscles, then lowered its head. Jeremiah parted his lips, and poured out a softly sung Navajo lullaby: Tee-ah-ha-waaannna me-yip-yip-yee-ti-ha…The tiger cocked its head and whipped its tail spastically. It dug at the ground with its paws and backed up in something similar to a mating ritual. Jeremiah continued, his eyes now shut, raising his voice ..oh-hatta-say-namma-lay-laaallaaa… The tiger rolled on to its back and exposed its furry, soft stomach. Jeremiah held his carved stick in hand. His fingernails were scummy. A shot rang out and the stick splintered from his grip. The tiger snapped to its feet and growled at Jeremiah, the Navajo lullaby now forgotten. “I see you’ve met Sasha,” called the old man, decked out in kaki safari garb. He calmly reloaded his elephant musket.
“Had her since she was a cub. If there’s an animal more stubborn than the Indian mud-tiger, I’ve not met it.” Sasha purred at his side, nuzzled at his right thigh. “You win old man. Might as well do me in now.”
“Such sad words, but true nevertheless.” He leveled his elephant gun with Jeremiah’s eyes, pulled back the hammer and squinted. His tongue tip poked out from between his shiny old man lips. Jeremiah tapped into his secret Navajo vocal pitch, silent to humans, heard only by the animals. “Not so hard my dear sweet Sasha. You’ll have your fill soon enough.” The secret sounds in Jeremiah’s throat thumped into the tiger’s subconscious. Nee-ya-ahahahaana-may-ooooo… “Your mother was a witch. Good bye, my son—Sasha?” The tiger sank its teeth into the old man’s hip and the bones crunched like wet twigs. “Aaaaaahh!!” blood poured from his gaping wound like dessert sauce and he collapsed to the ground. The old man made a kissing motion with his lips, an old Slavic belief that if one got injured, repeatedly kissing the air would summon healing wound-angels. Instead Sasha bit off his arm and whipped it around like a chew toy. His kisses became less frequent as the blood drained from his body. “Well played…old boy.” Jeremiah shooed the tiger away and cradled the old man in his arms. He pet his cheeks, as was custom in the Navajo tradition. Teee-aaah-nahah-sha-sha-sha-ocha-meee. Jeremiah kissed his dying father on each of his open eyes. He brought his own eyelids down to each of the old man’s ear lobes and blinked so as to brush his lashes over the now dead flesh.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Wait, what about China accessing my emails?

A few nights ago, after my computer refused to do anything besides intermitently turning off and displaying a digitized version of a computer lsd trip. I was to believe that either the video card in my Hewlitt Packard's laptop had torched itself under the stress of too much burden. I honestly don't consider myself a very demanding computer user but I find myself continually disappointed in technology. I would say thoroughly disappointed, actually--with technology. But I digress. What my computer problem could have also been was a virus. I remember around the age of 13 or so I asked my dad what kind of person would want to infect strangers' computers with viruses? He answered shrewdly, "sick people, Ryan." Anyway, I saw all three of the Matrixes--Matrices? Believe you me, I know what seedy computer types are capable of. I am currently writing from my girlfriend's computer and I was treated to this delightful message:

"We believe your account was recently accessed from: China"

Friday, March 19, 2010

Hey, that's not karate!



Nevermind the sultry violet lighting, two of the people in this dojo have lost it.
"Alright, just give me your black belts. Nice and easy like."
"Hey screw you pal, his black belt is mine, and yours will be too once I take you both down."
"This is a dojo. There are no guns allowed in the dojo."

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Been really telling people about this new job

Maybe you heard, but I've been going to a different 9-5 lately and it's pretty good. It feels sometimes like working in a section of an indoor skatepark. Sometimes I imagine a lunch break turning into an impromptu office wide skate sesh that slowly "transitions" into a relaxing barbecue. Yeah, time's about right again for barbecues. Then, that barbacue turns into a wall ride contest. Sorrry vegans, that's just how it's got to be. (bitchin' wallride!)


Saturday, January 30, 2010

Monkey King NOT Fear Hollywood's Shrek

'Monkey King' not Fear Hollywood's Shrek

The Chinese cartoon, with distinguished advantages featuring Asian history and culture, should not fear competing with Hollywood, Wang Tung, chairman of the jury committee of Golden Horse award of Taiwan told Xinhua News Agency Monday.

He made the remarks before his first cartoon film based on the Chinese ancient story of the Monkey King was put on show in Beijing. The film, costing US$ 5,000,000, three years and more than 300 professional staffs, will be staged in theaters and cinemas nationwide in China from Aug. 5.

The story of the Monkey King, also known as Pilgrimage to the West, is a mythical novel by Wu Cheng'en (1500-1582), telling of Tang Dynasty monk Xuanzang's journey bringing Buddhist scriptures from the west. Under Wu's ingenious pen, monkey-headed superman Monkey King, together with three animal-shaped disciples, accompanied Xuanzang's whole journey. They came across various devils who wanted to eat Xuanzang to gain eternal life, thus undergoing long hardship before reaching their destiny.

"Such a story with exotic flavor of the East quite suits the appetite of the western audience, " Wang said, adding the martial arts films like "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" and "Hero" are quite popular among western audiences and have achieved high box revenue overseas.

The show time of Wang's cartoon product will meet the Hollywood blockbuster Madagascar, a cartoon film already advertised in full swing. "In comparison with Madagascar which likewise cost five years and as high as US$ 100,000,000, the Chinese cartoon is really at a relatively low level in terms of production and sale," Wang admitted.

"However," he said, "low cost does not mean low quality. 300 professional staff participated in the sculpting design of his cartoon, and a lot of interesting plot elements about youngster's life styles were added.

"A good story and how to tell it is key to the success of a cartoon," Wang said. In the past, the Taiwan film circle seldom produced cartoon since it cost much yet earn little. "Our failure lies in the lack of market surveys before production," Wang said.

As to the Chinese mainland, he pointed out lack of marketing methods forges the bottleneck of the cartoon industry. Refuting some insiders comments that the Chinese mainland is short of cartoon makers, Wang stressed the market will attract and give rise to more talent.

Wang said the Chinese cartoon, based on ancient stories, should be innovated. In his "innovated" version, Xuanzang will quite often speak English, and the bull-headed devil will perform Spanish dance, all exploding people's laughter.

"However, I shall never let the Monkey King ride a motorcycle," Wang said. "The Chinese cartoon will always focus on loyalty, friendship, filial piety and environmental protection, yet avoid moral teaching in a rigid way."

As his compatriots observed, Wang, who has scored many Golden Horse awards, has turned his eyes to the cartoon film. Fever-like enthusiasm for cartoons has been passed on to adults from children, and the cartoon industry has become mainstream even to Hollywood makers. In 2003 and 2004, Finding Nemo and Shrek II were the best sellers in the United States, respectively. And the animation series by Hayao Miyazaki also is atop the Japanese film industry.

According to him, the sale of his cartoon's copyright in Southeast Asia has earned back one third of the total investment, and Star TV has purchased the right of showing the film for five years.

"China's animation industry is at an initial stage but has great potential. Therefore, the Chinese Monkey King should not fear Hollywood's Shrek," Wang said.

(Xinhua News Agency August 4, 2005)